Wuptdo
10-22-2005, 01:58 AM
An open letter from Sir John Cleese to the American public:
> >> A Message from John Cleese
> >>
> >> To the citizens of the United States of America:
> >>
> >> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
> >> and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> >> revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
> >>
> >> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
> >> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
> >> Kansas, which she does not fancy).
> >>
> >> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> >> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> >> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
> >> year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> >>
> >> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> >> following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should
> >> look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> >>
> >> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
> >> will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> >>
> >> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> >> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> >> skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by
> >> the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> >> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
> >>
> >> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
> >> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
> >> inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US
> >> English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
> >> spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
> >> letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
> >> original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
> >>
> >> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> >>
> >> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> >> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> >> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
> >> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
> >> to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
> >> therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
> >>
> >> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> >> anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
> >> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >>
> >> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
> >> for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
> >> understand what we mean.
> >>
> >> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> >> will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
> >> time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
> >> benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
> >> help you understand the British sense of humour.
> >>
> >> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> >> been calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> >>
> >> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> >> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> >> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> >> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
> >>
> >> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> >> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
> >> be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> >> provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
> >> referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
> >> without risk of further confusion.
> >>
> >> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
> >> as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
> >> actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
> >> English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
> >> akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> >>
> >> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
> >> kind of proper football; you call it soccer.Those of you brave
> >> enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> >> similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for
> >> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
> >> a bunch of nancies).
> >>
> >> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
> >> to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
> >> played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> >> there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> >>
> >> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >>
> >> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her
> >> Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
> >> acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
> >>
> >> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never
> >> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
> >> in season.
> >>
> A Message from Lee Paynter (heck if I know?)
>
> To those British subjects for whom Mr. Cleese is the self appointed
> representative:
>
> With respect to your use of the term "revocation" we suggest you
> consult a dictionary and a history book. We have no quarrel with your desire to use "The Oxford English Dictionary" if that is your preference. Irrespective of whether you use 'Oxford' or "Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language" you will find that "revocation" implies the withdrawal of something which was granted. Our independence wasn't granted, it was taken. If you would like to verify the certainty of that statement we suggest you return here to try to take it back a third time. If you regard the War of 1812 as simply the conclusion of one failed and very long first attempt, we will grant this one may be considered your second attempt. In the interest of making it sporting may we suggest this time your team not wear red and not march in straight lines.
>
> Tony Blair is welcome here any time. Had you consulted with him regarding your not particularly well thought out conclusions and proposal, you would have had some very sensible second thoughts.
>
> We have several comments for you on the issue of language:
>
> 1) We are willing to not call what we speak English. Perhaps using the
term "the American language" would make you happy. Webster did so more than 50 years ago.
>
> 2) The idea there might be proper and improper English is really quite
> silly. Let's be serious. English is a gutter language. Please
> consider speaking only respectable languages such as Latin or Greek.
> In your particular case we think French would be appropriate.
>
> 3) The primary function of language for the British, particularly the
> aristocracy, is reinforcement of social class structure. Communication
> is in fact quite secondary. Where else could someone who never held a job, had no particular skill, had no family money remaining and turned the ancestral estate into a museum in order to pay the heating bill be considered the most important person in the room because of their dialect?
>
> 4) Why is it that if someone in the U.S. pronounces the word
> 'Philadelphia' in two syllables they are considered a thug but if someone in England pronounces the word 'Worcestershire' in two syllables they are considered proper?
>
> 5) If you want an occasional "u" in a word where we don't or if you
> want to substitute an "s" for a "z"; feel free. Attempting to standardize a gutter language is moot in our opinion. However, if it makes you happy, knock yourself out.
>
> As to the rest of your diatribe:
>
> Is it possible you don't want us to celebrate our Independence day
> because you haven't got one? We suggest sharing ours would be a more suitable solution.
>
> Your fear of guns and aversion to American football are really one
> issue. You're not fooling us. The real reason you don't have guns is
> the sure knowledge that if they were permitted the 15 to 54 year old male population of the entire E.U. would drop to zero after the first World Cup. The worst thing that ever happened to me at an American football game was two of my sons being vomited on by an overtired our-year-old.
>
> I'm sorry you're afraid of therapy.
>
> I promise we'll get the lawyer thing under control. Freedom's
> pendulum has a little more swing to it than that to which you're accustomed.
>
> Before you ban American cars name two people who have driven a Jag
> more than 30,000 miles without major mechanical difficulty.
>
> Any British suggestion pertaining to food should be considered
> presumptively absurd.
>
> Your beer tastes better warm. Our beer tastes better cold. They're
> just different. Get over it.
>
> We are willing to put you in charge of Hollywood. The only condition
> is you must take it home with you.
>
> Regarding taxes and tea please read again the section on independence.
>
> Best regards,
>
> Lee Paynter
Wuptdo :D
> >> A Message from John Cleese
> >>
> >> To the citizens of the United States of America:
> >>
> >> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
> >> and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> >> revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
> >>
> >> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
> >> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
> >> Kansas, which she does not fancy).
> >>
> >> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> >> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> >> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
> >> year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> >>
> >> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> >> following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should
> >> look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> >>
> >> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
> >> will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> >>
> >> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> >> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> >> skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by
> >> the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> >> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
> >>
> >> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
> >> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
> >> inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US
> >> English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
> >> spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
> >> letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
> >> original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
> >>
> >> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> >>
> >> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> >> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> >> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
> >> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
> >> to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
> >> therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
> >>
> >> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> >> anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
> >> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >>
> >> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
> >> for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
> >> understand what we mean.
> >>
> >> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> >> will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
> >> time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
> >> benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
> >> help you understand the British sense of humour.
> >>
> >> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> >> been calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> >>
> >> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> >> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> >> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> >> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
> >>
> >> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> >> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
> >> be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> >> provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
> >> referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
> >> without risk of further confusion.
> >>
> >> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
> >> as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
> >> actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
> >> English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
> >> akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> >>
> >> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
> >> kind of proper football; you call it soccer.Those of you brave
> >> enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> >> similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for
> >> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
> >> a bunch of nancies).
> >>
> >> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
> >> to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
> >> played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> >> there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> >>
> >> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >>
> >> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her
> >> Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
> >> acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
> >>
> >> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never
> >> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
> >> in season.
> >>
> A Message from Lee Paynter (heck if I know?)
>
> To those British subjects for whom Mr. Cleese is the self appointed
> representative:
>
> With respect to your use of the term "revocation" we suggest you
> consult a dictionary and a history book. We have no quarrel with your desire to use "The Oxford English Dictionary" if that is your preference. Irrespective of whether you use 'Oxford' or "Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language" you will find that "revocation" implies the withdrawal of something which was granted. Our independence wasn't granted, it was taken. If you would like to verify the certainty of that statement we suggest you return here to try to take it back a third time. If you regard the War of 1812 as simply the conclusion of one failed and very long first attempt, we will grant this one may be considered your second attempt. In the interest of making it sporting may we suggest this time your team not wear red and not march in straight lines.
>
> Tony Blair is welcome here any time. Had you consulted with him regarding your not particularly well thought out conclusions and proposal, you would have had some very sensible second thoughts.
>
> We have several comments for you on the issue of language:
>
> 1) We are willing to not call what we speak English. Perhaps using the
term "the American language" would make you happy. Webster did so more than 50 years ago.
>
> 2) The idea there might be proper and improper English is really quite
> silly. Let's be serious. English is a gutter language. Please
> consider speaking only respectable languages such as Latin or Greek.
> In your particular case we think French would be appropriate.
>
> 3) The primary function of language for the British, particularly the
> aristocracy, is reinforcement of social class structure. Communication
> is in fact quite secondary. Where else could someone who never held a job, had no particular skill, had no family money remaining and turned the ancestral estate into a museum in order to pay the heating bill be considered the most important person in the room because of their dialect?
>
> 4) Why is it that if someone in the U.S. pronounces the word
> 'Philadelphia' in two syllables they are considered a thug but if someone in England pronounces the word 'Worcestershire' in two syllables they are considered proper?
>
> 5) If you want an occasional "u" in a word where we don't or if you
> want to substitute an "s" for a "z"; feel free. Attempting to standardize a gutter language is moot in our opinion. However, if it makes you happy, knock yourself out.
>
> As to the rest of your diatribe:
>
> Is it possible you don't want us to celebrate our Independence day
> because you haven't got one? We suggest sharing ours would be a more suitable solution.
>
> Your fear of guns and aversion to American football are really one
> issue. You're not fooling us. The real reason you don't have guns is
> the sure knowledge that if they were permitted the 15 to 54 year old male population of the entire E.U. would drop to zero after the first World Cup. The worst thing that ever happened to me at an American football game was two of my sons being vomited on by an overtired our-year-old.
>
> I'm sorry you're afraid of therapy.
>
> I promise we'll get the lawyer thing under control. Freedom's
> pendulum has a little more swing to it than that to which you're accustomed.
>
> Before you ban American cars name two people who have driven a Jag
> more than 30,000 miles without major mechanical difficulty.
>
> Any British suggestion pertaining to food should be considered
> presumptively absurd.
>
> Your beer tastes better warm. Our beer tastes better cold. They're
> just different. Get over it.
>
> We are willing to put you in charge of Hollywood. The only condition
> is you must take it home with you.
>
> Regarding taxes and tea please read again the section on independence.
>
> Best regards,
>
> Lee Paynter
Wuptdo :D