Things you have to believe to be a Republican these days....

[Greg]

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq, Iran, and Syria.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humanity with no regulation whatsoever.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

On a personal note, BBWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah, THAT will keep 'em from doin it.....

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need and deserve our prayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

[Gracie]

8-O

[Dharma]

Well said, Gregory! :)>- :)>-

[Greg]

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.


Greg,

Socialism OR Communism? :wink:

How about....humanism? :-D

[bobo]

Today’s History lesson is on evolution of Conservatives & Liberals.

Subject: Evolution of Conservatives & Liberals.

Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girleymen.’ Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history :-D

Please don't shoot the messenger! 8-O

[Dharma]

How to spot a baby conservative
KID POLITICS | Whiny children, claims a new study, tend to grow up rigid and traditional. Future liberals, on the other hand ...
Mar. 19, 2006. 10:45 AM
KURT KLEINER

Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints (or writing nasty letters to the Cary P&Z)? :-'' Chances are he grew up to be a conservative.

At least, he did if he was one of 95 kids from the Berkeley area that social scientists have been tracking for the last 20 years. The confident, resilient, self-reliant kids mostly grew up to be liberals.

The study from the Journal of Research Into Personality isn't going to make the UC Berkeley professor who published it any friends on the right. Similar conclusions a few years ago from another academic saw him excoriated on right-wing blogs, and even led to a Congressional investigation into his research funding.

But the new results are worth a look. In the 1960s Jack Block and his wife and fellow professor Jeanne Block (now deceased) began tracking more than 100 nursery school kids as part of a general study of personality. The kids' personalities were rated at the time by teachers and assistants who had known them for months. There's no reason to think political bias skewed the ratings — the investigators were not looking at political orientation back then. Even if they had been, it's unlikely that 3- and 4-year-olds would have had much idea about their political leanings.

A few decades later, Block followed up with more surveys, looking again at personality, and this time at politics, too. The whiny kids tended to grow up conservative, and turned into rigid young adults (Daryl) who hewed closely to traditional gender roles and were uncomfortable with ambiguity (Chris).

The confident kids turned out liberal and were still hanging loose, turning into bright, non-conforming adults with wide interests (Dharma, Gracie and Greg). :hippy2: :hippy2: :happy10: The girls were still outgoing, ( :)>- :glasses10: ) but the young men tended to turn a little introspective.

Block admits in his paper that liberal Berkeley is not representative of the whole country. But within his sample, he says, the results hold. He reasons that insecure kids look for the reassurance provided by tradition and authority, and find it in conservative politics. The more confident kids are eager to explore alternatives to the way things are, and find liberal politics more congenial. :-D

In a society that values self-confidence and out-goingness, it's a mostly flattering picture for liberals. It also runs contrary to the American stereotype of wimpy liberals and strong conservatives.

Of course, if you're studying the psychology of politics, you shouldn't be surprised to get a political reaction. (Yup, I'm waiting for the barage from my favorite Republican lovemuffin)..). Similar work by John T. Jost of Stanford and colleagues in 2003 drew a political backlash. The researchers reviewed 44 years worth of studies into the psychology of conservatism, and concluded that people who are dogmatic, fearful, intolerant of ambiguity and uncertainty, and who crave order and structure are more likely to gravitate to conservatism. Critics branded it the "conservatives are crazy" study and accused the authors of a political bias. (Of course).

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :wink:

[Greg]

How to spot a baby conservative
KID POLITICS | Whiny children, claims a new study, tend to grow up rigid and traditional. Future liberals, on the other hand ...
Mar. 19, 2006. 10:45 AM
KURT KLEINER

Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints (or writing nasty letters to the Cary P&Z)? :-'' Chances are he grew up to be a conservative.

At least, he did if he was one of 95 kids from the Berkeley area that social scientists have been tracking for the last 20 years. The confident, resilient, self-reliant kids mostly grew up to be liberals.

The study from the Journal of Research Into Personality isn't going to make the UC Berkeley professor who published it any friends on the right. Similar conclusions a few years ago from another academic saw him excoriated on right-wing blogs, and even led to a Congressional investigation into his research funding.

But the new results are worth a look. In the 1960s Jack Block and his wife and fellow professor Jeanne Block (now deceased) began tracking more than 100 nursery school kids as part of a general study of personality. The kids' personalities were rated at the time by teachers and assistants who had known them for months. There's no reason to think political bias skewed the ratings — the investigators were not looking at political orientation back then. Even if they had been, it's unlikely that 3- and 4-year-olds would have had much idea about their political leanings.

A few decades later, Block followed up with more surveys, looking again at personality, and this time at politics, too. The whiny kids tended to grow up conservative, and turned into rigid young adults (Daryl) who hewed closely to traditional gender roles and were uncomfortable with ambiguity (Chris).

The confident kids turned out liberal and were still hanging loose, turning into bright, non-conforming adults with wide interests (Dharma, Gracie and Greg). :hippy2: :hippy2: :happy10: The girls were still outgoing, ( :)>- :glasses10: ) but the young men tended to turn a little introspective.

Block admits in his paper that liberal Berkeley is not representative of the whole country. But within his sample, he says, the results hold. He reasons that insecure kids look for the reassurance provided by tradition and authority, and find it in conservative politics. The more confident kids are eager to explore alternatives to the way things are, and find liberal politics more congenial. :-D

In a society that values self-confidence and out-goingness, it's a mostly flattering picture for liberals. It also runs contrary to the American stereotype of wimpy liberals and strong conservatives.

Of course, if you're studying the psychology of politics, you shouldn't be surprised to get a political reaction. (Yup, I'm waiting for the barage from my favorite Republican lovemuffin)..). Similar work by John T. Jost of Stanford and colleagues in 2003 drew a political backlash. The researchers reviewed 44 years worth of studies into the psychology of conservatism, and concluded that people who are dogmatic, fearful, intolerant of ambiguity and uncertainty, and who crave order and structure are more likely to gravitate to conservatism. Critics branded it the "conservatives are crazy" study and accused the authors of a political bias. (Of course).

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :wink:

Other ways would include the following:

Stock answer to everything: "Kindergarten -- Love it or leave it!"

Brings to school elaborate lunch packed by nanny which includes sandwich, fruit roll-up, potato chips, candy, soft drink, sugar packets, and a $10 bill to purchase whatever he wants from the school vending machine. Insists it is "unfair" when poor kids get free beef-a-roni from government.

American flag Underoos. Which, by the way, defaces the American Flag

Claims that a classmate "recently sought significant quantities of whoopee cushions, tacks, silly string, and Chinese handcuffs from Spencer Gifts." Uses this claim as a pretext to beat up that classmate. Unable to find whoopee cushions, tacks, silly string, or Chinese handcuffs after the fact.

Says "Highlights" and "Weekly Reader" are part of the liberal media.

Pees in pants whenever he is in the vicinity of Middle Eastern-looking classmate.

Favorite Book: "The O'Reilly Factor -- for Kids!"

Tells other boys that "Girls play with dolls; boys play with trucks." Secretly plays with dolls.

Spells potato with an e.

Blames low grade in finger painting on "racial preferences."

Favorite Animal: Elephant

Shoots close friend in the face with Super Soaker. Graciously accepts apology from close friend, who is "deeply sorry for all the bad stuff that has happened this week."

Obsessed with wee-wee of a certain classmate from Arkansas.

Favorite After-School Special: "The poor boy who got kissed by another boy on the school bus and had no choice but to beat up the boy who kissed him."

Takes lunch money from classmates, gives it to friend named Hal E. Burton.

Declines to participate in fire drill because he is busy reading "My Pet Goat."

"Operation Iraqi Freedom" lunch box.

:-D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Dharma]

American flag Underoos. Which, by the way, defaces the American Flag

:sign5: HA HA HA HA!

Pees in pants whenever he is in the vicinity of Middle Eastern-looking classmate.

Hmmmm, sounds like one or two we know.....

Obsessed with wee-wee of a certain classmate from Arkansas.

And blames that same classmate every time "baby conservative" craps his own pants.

Takes lunch money from classmates, gives it to friend named Hal E. Burton.

:-D Tooooooooo funny. :toothy7:

[ChrisD]

How to spot a baby conservative
KID POLITICS | Whiny children, claims a new study, tend to grow up rigid and traditional. Future liberals, on the other hand ...
Mar. 19, 2006. 10:45 AM
KURT KLEINER

Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints (or writing nasty letters to the Cary P&Z)? :-'' Chances are he grew up to be a conservative.


SCOOP: WHO ARE THE WHINY KIDS?

By Michelle Malkin · March 23, 2006 04:11 PM

An anonymous tipster sends some intriguing information about the "whiny kids grow up to be conservatives" study conducted by left-wing UC Berkeley prof Jack Block.

Wondering where the nursery school kids who were the subjects of the study came from? Check this out:

http://michellemalkin.com/index.htm

[Wuptdo]

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/images/Brain_Socialist_550.gif

or do you prefer this?

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/images/Brain_Capitalist_550.gif

Seems to me that we are electing "hybirds" of the above.

Wuptdo B-)

[Dharma]

Bush Loses Core Supporters
Associated Press
WASHINGTON , July 21, 2006

President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of
voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his
poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.
A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval
rating has fallen below 50% among total freaking morons, and now stands
at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just
last December, when 62% of total freaking morons expressed support for
the president and his policies.

The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total freaking morons
between May 4 and May 8, reveals that only 44% of those polled believe
the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe he is doing a
poor job and 29% don't understand the question.

The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530 total freaking morons,
showed 62% approved of the president, 7% disapproved and 31% didn't
understand the question. Faltering approval ratings for the president among a group once thought to be a reliable source of loyal support gives Republicans one more reason to be nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections. "If we can't depend on the support of total freaking morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've got a big problem. They're a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an important part of today's Republican coalition."

"We've taken the total freaking moron vote for granted," says Rep.
Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it. We've let the Democrats control the debate lately, and they've dragged discourse back into the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average total freaking moron turns on his TV and sees his Republican Congressman arguing about Constitutional law or the complexities of state formation in the
Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to hear comforting, pandering,
flattering bromides and he doesn't want to hear a logical argument more
complex than what you'd find on a bumper sticker."

For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that Republicans can ignore
only at their peril. "This should send a signal that we have to regain
control of the debate if we want the support of our key constituencies in
the coming election and beyond. We need to bring public discourse
back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We should be talking
about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should be
talking about the power of pride. We should be talking about freedom
fries. These are the issues that resonate with total freaking morons."

But some total freaking morons say it's too late. Bill Snarpel of Enid,
Oklahoma is a total freaking moron who voted for Bush in both 2000 and
2004. But he says he won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like
it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If the Arabs own
the ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and then we'll
all be riding camels and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my
children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."

Total freaking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California also says his
once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all
those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but
now their new president is making fun of us and saying he's going to
build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him. Well, nuclear bombs
are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"

Laura McDonald, a total freaking moron from Chandler, Arizona, says she
is disappointed that the president hasn't been a more forceful
advocate of Christian values. "This country was founded on Christian
values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking around and
seeing all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was going to bring
Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians are being
persecuted worse than ever before in history, because all these
Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to respect their
religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children to pray in school.
Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."

Not all total freaking morons have turned their backs on the president. Ed Roy Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully supports Bush. "He is
doing a great job. He is a great president. He is a great decider. I
have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see his butt hole."

And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about the poll. Sen. Jeff
Sessions (R-AL), for one, does not find it a cause for anxiety.
While he agrees that his party should not take total freaking morons
for granted, they "really don't have anywhere else to go. They're
never going to be able to understand someone like Al Gore or John
Kerry or anybody intelligent and articulate who wants to talk about
substantive issues. Just try having a conversation with one of them
about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says volcanoes
consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're morons! Total
freaking morons!"

"They've got nowhere else to go," Sessions reaffirms with a smile,
and they always vote."

[Wuptdo]

Sorry folks, posted this in the wrong thread, so I moved it here:

From above:


fallen below 50% among total freaking morons

Total Freaking Morons (TFM) v. Moonbat(M)

Let's see, a TFM would probably be lower/middle class, pay taxes, believes in God, works hard, drives a pick-up truck, wants their kids to go to community schools, understands that "Liberal" really means socialist, and does not like illegal aliens, homosexuals, criminals, drug addicts, people living "high on the hog" on welfare, and would proudly serve their country and know the words (and meaning) of the "Pledge of Allegiance."

A "Moonbat" is probably upper middle or higher class, liberal college education, believe other people should pay taxes, Godless, does not know how to use a shovel or toilet plunger, put their kids in private school, drives a SUV but wants other people to use public transporation or bikes, are proud liberals, likes having an illegal aliens as their nanny/maid/cooks, make sure some of their friends are the current correct demographic (homosexual, black, Asian, handicapped), supports community art projects, thinks the criminal justice system is too punitative, likes seeing people dependent on the government, would leave the country if drafted, and "why would I make a pledge to a piece of material with colors on it?"

Please feel free to edit.

The brain picture above better much tells the story.

Wuptdo B-)

[Gracie]

8-O

[DarylB]

Sorry folks, posted this in the wrong thread, so I moved it here:



A "Moonbat" is probably upper middle or higher class, liberal college education, believe other people should pay taxes, Godless, does not know how to use a shovel or toilet plunger, put their kids in private school, drives a SUV but wants other people to use public transporation or bikes, are proud liberals, likes having an illegal aliens as their nanny/maid/cooks, make sure some of their friends are the current correct demographic (homosexual, black, Asian, handicapped), supports community art projects, thinks the criminal justice system is too punitative, likes seeing people dependent on the government, would leave the country if drafted, and "why would I make a pledge to a piece of material with colors on it?"

Please feel free to edit.

The brain picture above better much tells the story.

Wuptdo B-)

Are you sure you didn't leave anything out, Wup? :wink:

Perhaps the location in the liberal brain of the political climate control mechanism, perpetually adjusted to determine which way the wind is blowing from the latest poll results, while continuously elevating the "Global Warming panic center" setting which is also receiving constant updates from both the PC lobe and smarter than thou tumor. One neuron, the Goron master motor neuron, connects the "Smarter than Thou" tumor directly into the Al Gore intelligence override switch! This brain comes with an expired warranty, and front to back trial lawyer coverage. OK, I think that now covers it!

[Gracie]

8-O

[Wuptdo]

:headbang: :headbang: :headbang: :hello1: :hello1: :thumbright: :thumbright: =D> =D> :bigsmurf:

Wuptdo B-)

[Dharma]

Please note the Moonbat's "Smarter than Thou" lobe is crucial as it can't afford to rest, not even for a second. It's constantly in overdrive attempting to save the TFM from harming itself. The "Talk Radio Addiction Center" tumor grows rapidly with dangerous toxins that could shut down the remaining cells of the TFM, so the Moonbat's "Bleeding Heart" will always come to rescue the TFM, not to worry. 8)

:-D \:D/ :cheers: :salute: :thumbleft: :thumbleft: :queen: :smurfin: >:D< :headbang: :laughing3: :love3: :toothy4:

[Greg]

While this is just satire, it isn’t too far removed from what could be reality…

BREAKING: Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant Self More Power

In a decisive 1-0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.

The Presidential Empowerment Act, which the president hand-drafted on his own Oval Office stationery and promptly signed into law, provides Bush with full authority to permit himself to authorize increased jurisdiction over the three branches of the federal government, provided that the president considers it in his best interest to do so. "In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies." ...

Senior administration officials lauded Bush's decision, saying that current presidential powers over presidential power were "far too limited." ...

Despite the president's new powers, the role of Congress and the Supreme Court has not been overlooked. Under the new law, both enjoy the newly broadened ability to grant the president the authority to increase his presidential powers. ... Republicans fearful that the president's new power undermines their ability to grant him more power have proposed a new law that would allow senators to permit him to grant himself more power, with or without presidential approval.

---From the eagle-eyed pros at The Onion