Oliver
07-07-2004, 01:45 PM
Restaurant Review
A Structure Made of Wood and Stone
By Oliver “Omnivore” Lard-Gourmand, Cary Politics Food Critic
Greetings to my faithful Cary Politics readers! I have returned from my annual sabbatical (a 6-week and 2-day visit to my Mother’s place in Waxhaw. Although some people characterize this as “sponging off Mother”, I think that is unfair. Mother always welcomes me with open arms and gets teary-eyed when I have to leave, to return to my important work here in Cary. Besides, I help Mother in the vegetable garden when I visit, although she does not allow anyone else to tend to her flower garden. Also, Muffkins enjoys these visits tremendously, because she has bonded with Mother’s pet potbellied pig ("Puffkins"). Muffkins also enjoys sitting for hours, staring at Mother’s goldfish bowl, which contains not only two goldfish but also one of those little scuba divers that gives off bubbles every 21 seconds or so. But I digress).
For this month’s review, I had hoped to attend the $25,000-per-plate dinner that President “W” Bushes is coming to town for. For $25,000, I would expect an appetizer AND a choice of chicken or beef for the main course AND a very showy dessert. Also, for that kind of money, I don’t think it is unreasonable to anticipate full-bodied (not diet) soda, two forks, a heavy-duty, 3-sectioned Chinet plate (not one of those flimsy things) AND some sort of party favor souvenir to take home. Alas, I am unable to confirm that these were offered at this dinner, because Admin Hyatt declined to pay the cost of my meal for this venue, even though one of the Republican members of the Rotary Club assured me that the $25,000 includes tax and tip.
So, I had to come up with another restaurant to review, and I had noticed that there was much discussion of a quaint little place called the Stone & Wood Grill on the Cary Politics forum, so I decided to see for myself what kind of place this was. If for no other reason, I was intrigued by the idea of a wooden grill (I can understand using stone for a grill, but wood? I wonder how they keep it from burning up? But I digress again).
In any case, my research on Cary Politics had indicated that many people had been disappointed in the service at this establishment. Rest assured that this 5-star reviewer knows bad service when he sees it (you might recall my review of the Golden Corral French Eatery, where the service was so poor that I actually ended up having to SERVE MYSELF!). So I prepared myself for the worst.
I did not wish to receive any special treatment just because I am the Cary Politics restaurant reviewer (you would be surprised how often people treat me differently when they learn that this is my occupation), so upon entering, I stated, loudly enough for the hostess and the manager to hear, “HELLO! TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE! IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT I AM THE CARY POLITICS FOOD CRITIC! DON’T WORRY, I AM NOT HERE TO CHECK UP ON REPORTS OF POOR SERVICE FROM MY FRIENDS AT CARY POLITICS, I AM JUST A REGULAR GUY WHO WOULD LIKE TO EAT DINNER, AND IT IS PURELY COINCIDENCE THAT I HAPPEN TO BE NAMED OLIVER! ALSO, I WOULD LIKE A TABLE NEAR THE DOOR SO THAT I CAN EXIT QUICKLY IN CASE THE WOODEN GRILL CATCHES ON FIRE!”
Apparently, this made the desired first impression, because the manager and the hostess conferred in hushed tones for awhile, and then the hostess smiled and said, “Listen, we don’t know who you are, and believe me, we don’t want to know who you are, but we will be more than happy to seat you near the door”. Things were looking up.
Before I could even be seated, a young gentleman (“Bradley”) poured me a glass of water (not diet) and provided me with an entire basket of bread, which I had not even ordered. It turned out that the dough from which the bread was prepared had apparently gone sour, but it was edible and I was not charged for it. Bradley then conferred with the manager in hushed tones and returned to my table and said, “Listen, we think it would be best if I just stayed here by your table to keep an eye on you, or rather, I mean, to make sure that you receive excellent service”. That’s right, readers, these fine people provided me with my own exclusive attendant for the duration of my meal! I was beginning to wonder about the reports of poor service.
My waitperson (“Velma”), whom I had noticed conferring with the manager in hushed tones, arrived immediately and informed me that they had just this minute established a new service policy: rather than taking orders for drinks, and then appetizers, and then the main course, and then dessert, she would instead be taking my entire order all at once and serving it as fast as humanly possible. Things were continuing to look up.
I ordered the calamari appetizer, the Mahi-Mahi (“the fish so nice they named it twice”) and the orange sherbet, along with a glass of the house wine (a sparkling white called “7-Up”, I think it might have been Australian). Velma was back in a flash with my food and drink, served all at once; she also offered the check and said “Enjoy your dinner, and remember, it’s not healthy to eat too slowly. Also, feel free to take the dessert with you; there’s no need to linger here”. Meanwhile, Bradley remained tableside, keeping a close eye on my water glass.
All of the food was quite tasty, although both Mahis had a fishy taste and the calamari had a squiddy taste. But the stellar service overwhelmed the average food quality. I had never received such speedy, attentive service at any other Cary restaurant, and that even include Domino’s Italian Ristorante! A regular layperson might have thought that they were trying to get me out of the restaurant as quickly as possible, but I had noticed that even though several people were waiting, all of the tables around me were, apparently intentionally, left vacant (this is the kind of observation that I know you expect from a 5-star critic such as myself). I left a seven-and-three-sixteenths-percent tip (I felt that the extraordinary service called for such generosity), and asked for my sherbet to be boxed to take home, but Bradley advised that I could just take the entire thing, spoon, dish and all, not to worry, really! Talk about accommodating your customers!
All that was left was to check the washroom. I headed in that direction, and Bradley followed me very closely, watching my every move. I found the washroom to be above average, with all equipment being in perfect flushing order. And of course, Bradley was there to make sure that all was well. I appreciated this so much that I gave him a quarter for his trouble, and you could tell by the look on his face how much this meant to him.
The piece of resistance (that’s French for “the grand finale”, which is Italian for “the big thrill”) was the pleasant sendoff I received from the hostess: “Goodbye! You hurry home, now! Come back any time, but keep in mind that sometimes we close abruptly and without warning!”. Now, THAT’S hospitality!
So, to “The Stone & Wood Grill”, I give FOUR AND PRECISELY TWELVE SEVENTEENTHS STARS. The sour bread was completely forgotten in the presence of such marvelous service. Confidential to Those Who Are Wondering: I never did find out the secret of the wooden grill. I suspect it has something to do with keeping the wood wet and the fire small. For now, it will have to remain one of life’s little mysteries.
Dear readers, it’s great to be back. Oh, and Mother sends her regards.
The ratings explained:
FIVE STARS: The best, background music includes Tony Bennett tunes
FOUR STARS: Very good, they don’t skimp on the lemons
THREE STARS: Pretty good, with adequate ventilation
TWO STARS: Sort of good, but they have crushed ice rather than cubes
ONE STAR: Not too good, the manager brings his own lunch
NO STARS: Something is growing in the corner, and it’s not a fern
Cary Politics food critic Oliver “Omnivore” Lard-Gourmand has a George Foreman grill, which he advises “seems to be made of metal & plastic, not stone & wood”. He is dying to know if the $25,000 per plate dinner included any kind of cheese or berries.
A Structure Made of Wood and Stone
By Oliver “Omnivore” Lard-Gourmand, Cary Politics Food Critic
Greetings to my faithful Cary Politics readers! I have returned from my annual sabbatical (a 6-week and 2-day visit to my Mother’s place in Waxhaw. Although some people characterize this as “sponging off Mother”, I think that is unfair. Mother always welcomes me with open arms and gets teary-eyed when I have to leave, to return to my important work here in Cary. Besides, I help Mother in the vegetable garden when I visit, although she does not allow anyone else to tend to her flower garden. Also, Muffkins enjoys these visits tremendously, because she has bonded with Mother’s pet potbellied pig ("Puffkins"). Muffkins also enjoys sitting for hours, staring at Mother’s goldfish bowl, which contains not only two goldfish but also one of those little scuba divers that gives off bubbles every 21 seconds or so. But I digress).
For this month’s review, I had hoped to attend the $25,000-per-plate dinner that President “W” Bushes is coming to town for. For $25,000, I would expect an appetizer AND a choice of chicken or beef for the main course AND a very showy dessert. Also, for that kind of money, I don’t think it is unreasonable to anticipate full-bodied (not diet) soda, two forks, a heavy-duty, 3-sectioned Chinet plate (not one of those flimsy things) AND some sort of party favor souvenir to take home. Alas, I am unable to confirm that these were offered at this dinner, because Admin Hyatt declined to pay the cost of my meal for this venue, even though one of the Republican members of the Rotary Club assured me that the $25,000 includes tax and tip.
So, I had to come up with another restaurant to review, and I had noticed that there was much discussion of a quaint little place called the Stone & Wood Grill on the Cary Politics forum, so I decided to see for myself what kind of place this was. If for no other reason, I was intrigued by the idea of a wooden grill (I can understand using stone for a grill, but wood? I wonder how they keep it from burning up? But I digress again).
In any case, my research on Cary Politics had indicated that many people had been disappointed in the service at this establishment. Rest assured that this 5-star reviewer knows bad service when he sees it (you might recall my review of the Golden Corral French Eatery, where the service was so poor that I actually ended up having to SERVE MYSELF!). So I prepared myself for the worst.
I did not wish to receive any special treatment just because I am the Cary Politics restaurant reviewer (you would be surprised how often people treat me differently when they learn that this is my occupation), so upon entering, I stated, loudly enough for the hostess and the manager to hear, “HELLO! TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE! IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT I AM THE CARY POLITICS FOOD CRITIC! DON’T WORRY, I AM NOT HERE TO CHECK UP ON REPORTS OF POOR SERVICE FROM MY FRIENDS AT CARY POLITICS, I AM JUST A REGULAR GUY WHO WOULD LIKE TO EAT DINNER, AND IT IS PURELY COINCIDENCE THAT I HAPPEN TO BE NAMED OLIVER! ALSO, I WOULD LIKE A TABLE NEAR THE DOOR SO THAT I CAN EXIT QUICKLY IN CASE THE WOODEN GRILL CATCHES ON FIRE!”
Apparently, this made the desired first impression, because the manager and the hostess conferred in hushed tones for awhile, and then the hostess smiled and said, “Listen, we don’t know who you are, and believe me, we don’t want to know who you are, but we will be more than happy to seat you near the door”. Things were looking up.
Before I could even be seated, a young gentleman (“Bradley”) poured me a glass of water (not diet) and provided me with an entire basket of bread, which I had not even ordered. It turned out that the dough from which the bread was prepared had apparently gone sour, but it was edible and I was not charged for it. Bradley then conferred with the manager in hushed tones and returned to my table and said, “Listen, we think it would be best if I just stayed here by your table to keep an eye on you, or rather, I mean, to make sure that you receive excellent service”. That’s right, readers, these fine people provided me with my own exclusive attendant for the duration of my meal! I was beginning to wonder about the reports of poor service.
My waitperson (“Velma”), whom I had noticed conferring with the manager in hushed tones, arrived immediately and informed me that they had just this minute established a new service policy: rather than taking orders for drinks, and then appetizers, and then the main course, and then dessert, she would instead be taking my entire order all at once and serving it as fast as humanly possible. Things were continuing to look up.
I ordered the calamari appetizer, the Mahi-Mahi (“the fish so nice they named it twice”) and the orange sherbet, along with a glass of the house wine (a sparkling white called “7-Up”, I think it might have been Australian). Velma was back in a flash with my food and drink, served all at once; she also offered the check and said “Enjoy your dinner, and remember, it’s not healthy to eat too slowly. Also, feel free to take the dessert with you; there’s no need to linger here”. Meanwhile, Bradley remained tableside, keeping a close eye on my water glass.
All of the food was quite tasty, although both Mahis had a fishy taste and the calamari had a squiddy taste. But the stellar service overwhelmed the average food quality. I had never received such speedy, attentive service at any other Cary restaurant, and that even include Domino’s Italian Ristorante! A regular layperson might have thought that they were trying to get me out of the restaurant as quickly as possible, but I had noticed that even though several people were waiting, all of the tables around me were, apparently intentionally, left vacant (this is the kind of observation that I know you expect from a 5-star critic such as myself). I left a seven-and-three-sixteenths-percent tip (I felt that the extraordinary service called for such generosity), and asked for my sherbet to be boxed to take home, but Bradley advised that I could just take the entire thing, spoon, dish and all, not to worry, really! Talk about accommodating your customers!
All that was left was to check the washroom. I headed in that direction, and Bradley followed me very closely, watching my every move. I found the washroom to be above average, with all equipment being in perfect flushing order. And of course, Bradley was there to make sure that all was well. I appreciated this so much that I gave him a quarter for his trouble, and you could tell by the look on his face how much this meant to him.
The piece of resistance (that’s French for “the grand finale”, which is Italian for “the big thrill”) was the pleasant sendoff I received from the hostess: “Goodbye! You hurry home, now! Come back any time, but keep in mind that sometimes we close abruptly and without warning!”. Now, THAT’S hospitality!
So, to “The Stone & Wood Grill”, I give FOUR AND PRECISELY TWELVE SEVENTEENTHS STARS. The sour bread was completely forgotten in the presence of such marvelous service. Confidential to Those Who Are Wondering: I never did find out the secret of the wooden grill. I suspect it has something to do with keeping the wood wet and the fire small. For now, it will have to remain one of life’s little mysteries.
Dear readers, it’s great to be back. Oh, and Mother sends her regards.
The ratings explained:
FIVE STARS: The best, background music includes Tony Bennett tunes
FOUR STARS: Very good, they don’t skimp on the lemons
THREE STARS: Pretty good, with adequate ventilation
TWO STARS: Sort of good, but they have crushed ice rather than cubes
ONE STAR: Not too good, the manager brings his own lunch
NO STARS: Something is growing in the corner, and it’s not a fern
Cary Politics food critic Oliver “Omnivore” Lard-Gourmand has a George Foreman grill, which he advises “seems to be made of metal & plastic, not stone & wood”. He is dying to know if the $25,000 per plate dinner included any kind of cheese or berries.