View Full Version : Jokes and Stories (Keep um clean!)
I think from time to time we all need to read a good joke or story. Below is my first contribution. (Perhaps Don a seperate catagory?)
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"...Now give me back my dog."
I couldn't resist sharing just one more.....
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a
period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your
butt, didn't it?"
He lives,.... and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
johnb
09-28-2004, 12:55 PM
Ron,
I'll have to repeat that second one, but only in mixed company, at a party or something, where it is sure to offend legions of soccer moms.
John
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail
addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business
manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9"
to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you
jokes from the net.
16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at your self.
Finally, you forward this to your friends
Subject: Silence is Golden
Have you ever spoken and wished
that you could immediately take
the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few
people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my
husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned around and walked
back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word... he
knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I
had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we
were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let
me forget.
While in line at the bank one
afternoon, m y toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and
ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving "right
now" she would be punished. To
my horror, she looked me in the
eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!" The silence was
deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of
laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a
question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of
problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day
we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of
course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she
was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in
a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No." I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me." Then
I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he
must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting
worse. Soooooo, I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped
up, yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and
yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos
laughing he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple
made me feel better by thanking
me for the best laugh they'd ever
had!
This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news
anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any....a true
story... We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: "So Bob, where's that
8 inches you promised me last
night? " Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did
too they were laughing so hard!
Subject: Baseball
THREE OLD LADIES AND A BASEBALL GAME
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Brewers
baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is really exciting, and they are enjoying themselves immensely
mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
bottle is almost gone, and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it, and how many players
are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it!
Answer to follow later
Brent
09-28-2004, 08:32 PM
Bottom of the fifth.
The bags are loaded.
BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
This article was from the Washington Post..... supposed to be true.**
Had to share............
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch* at 11:38 p.m.
on* Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and* lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the* Gwinnett
County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing* a pumpkin patch he
decided* to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and* squishy inside, and*
there was no one around here for miles.* At least I thought* there
wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,**
picked* out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to
notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his
audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went* on to describe what happened when she approached* Lawrence.
I* just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I
was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A
pumpkin?
****...is it midnight already?'"
Brent
09-28-2004, 08:38 PM
Brent WINs the prize!
Ooh! Ooh! How about one of those "Stop Cary" signs? Please? I promise to wave it in Stan's face! :lol:
Prize granted! I will deliver it personally!
johnb
09-28-2004, 08:43 PM
Yeah well, whatcha gonna do?
Speaking of pumpkins, anyone else see that pic of Kerry's orange face on Drudgereport.com today?
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. That is the way God intended it. Let it be!
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is considered blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache or exhaustion that lasts for 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like default settings on your computer. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, we will be scratching it. Immediately! That is what men do.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but, it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to be somewhere on-time, absolutely anything you wear is fine....Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as basketball, the shotgun formation, or ESPN highlights.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Those old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or have ever seen their
"Who's on First" routine should appreciate this. A new take on Abbott and Costello.
Costello wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START
REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ."
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!
Subject: GROWING UP - From John Woodside
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took
hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, videotape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit
more clear:
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
That is so cool! 8-O
Subject: POLITICALLY CORRECT (new 2004 version)
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (new 2004
version)
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is SURGICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10.She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11.She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
12.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a GRAIN
ALCOHOL STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
A stranger seated next to Little Tommy on the plane turned to the boy
and said, "Let's talk. I've heard flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
******* Little Tommy, who just opened a book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
******* "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
******* "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, cow, and deer all eat grass. The same stuff.
Yet a deer defecates little pellets, while a cow turns out a* flat
******* mushy patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
******
* suppose
******* that is?"
******* "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
******* "Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh@t?"
******
Johnb, I think you might like this one
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse.
When Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet?
I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
Body Part
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time 'til little Mary stood up, angry, and
said that the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like
that -- she was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10
times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "very good, Billy," she then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) "you have a dirty mind,"
2) "you didn't read your homework,"
3) "and, one day you will be very, very disappointed.
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.
Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so
here it goes:
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting
for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me
the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other sh@t too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna *** laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the *$@&& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
kellyc
09-29-2004, 07:42 AM
Bandits target beer festival punters
Police in Munich say a gang dubbed the ‘boob bandits’ has been robbing people at this year’s Oktoberfest.
They say the gang uses a busty barmaid to flash her breasts while accomplices steal wallets.
The gang single out drunken festival guests, and while one of the women flashes her assets, the other girl together with a male accomplice relieves drunken onlookers of their wallets.
Police have now warned male visitors to beware of women flashing their breasts at the festival - which organisers have admitted is the raunchiest ever.
Spokeswoman for the Oktoberfest, Gabriele Weishaeupl, said “It’s been a wonderful festival, the atmosphere has been very carefree. It’s a shame that some people have to spoil it.”
More than three million people have so far attended the festival that ends this weekend. ananova
:oops: :oops: :oops:
johnb
09-29-2004, 09:50 AM
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Ouch! Speaking Truth to Power Baby!
You're a very brave man Ron.
They say the gang uses a busty barmaid to flash her breasts while accomplices steal wallets.
How do they quantify 'busty'? This could get rough but really, it's "fee for service" Kelly. :twisted:
kellyc
09-29-2004, 10:02 AM
How do they quantify 'busty'? This could get rough but really, it's "fee for service" Kelly. :twisted:z
Im not really sure how you quantify busty. Im sure John, between you and the rest of the candidates in another thread..you could form a committee to define that. Heck you might even get the council to give you some cash for :consulting" fees.
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Wuptdo
09-29-2004, 11:54 AM
This is from DonH's counterpart over at ABC Skool Choice:
Words that I would like to hear, but probably never will:
I appreciate the vote of confidence from the board of education, but I believe it would send the wrong signal to the taxpayers of Wake County if I were to accept a pay raise, considering our failure to reach Goal 2003, and our overwhelming need for additional facilities to support our expanding enrollment.
I am therefore declining the pay raise, and recommending that the money be used to improve our infrastructure. Furthermore, I urge all WCPSS senior administration personnel to accept a temporary freeze in pay until such time that we can reasonably accomodate all of our students.
William McNeal
Superintendent, WCPSS
_________________
ABC Forum Administrator
"Your kids, your choice"
I think these are words we all like to hear also from senior staff in TOC as well. :grin:
Wuptdo B-)
johnb
09-29-2004, 12:23 PM
Kelly,
We could call it "Performance Art" and we'd get McMayor, et al, to support the construction of a topless Hooters in Cary no doubt.
john
The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their
beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it
is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing over time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into
Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some
of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if, Hell is expanding at a rate
faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate
given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year, that "...it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.(ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ? )
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewellery,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV.
25 Best Country Songs Titles Of All Time (these are actual song titles)
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
24. I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
23. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even
21. Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
19. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
18. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
17. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
16. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
15. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better
14. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
12. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here
11. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You 10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
09. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
08. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
07. Please Bypass This Heart
06. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
05. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
04. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
03. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
02. She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
and the #1 song title is.......
01. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a few
* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
* 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup: Won ton
* 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 micro-scope
* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 banano
second
* Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 Billigram
* Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
* 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year
* Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
* 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
* Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
* Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (Think about
it)
* 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)
* 52 cards: 1 decacards
* 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
* 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
* 10 rations: 1 decoration
* 100 rations: 1 C-ration
* 2 monograms: 1 diagram
* 8 nickels: 2 paradigms (ouch!)
* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital:1 I.V. League
* 100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he
bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big f@#king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond. Sincerely, Bitchy in Boston
One day, a man who had been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not
a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer,
he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a
raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the
stunned guy and and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man oh Man! Is that
good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she
asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and
hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow,
that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh
Sweet! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?
johnb
10-01-2004, 05:53 PM
You missed the best country song title....
You ain't much fun since I quit drinkin' - Toby Keith.
editor_andy
10-03-2004, 04:23 PM
Good Citizenship Tips
With the election only a little bit away, its probably a good idea to let ya’ll in some tips to make you better citizens and stuff. Most of these are courtesy of The Onion (www.theonion.com). Enjoy and serve your country and stuff.
• Young people should heed their civic duty
and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
• Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
• Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
• It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials
with $250-$500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
• Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-
tedious means of bringing about change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
• Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are"
movement in your community.
• Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views,
you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
• If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election
ballots. It's been done a million times, and it's not funny
• Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids.
Everybody loves retarded kids.
• Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening
a sex shop on your front lawn
• Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you
would follow, say, sports or the career of J-Lo.
• Vote Republican
editor_andy
10-03-2004, 04:28 PM
Lets Make An Economic Recession
In Just Seven Easy Steps
Well, since we are in a recession right now, this article won’t do you much good. It’ll give you a good view of what a recession looks like, but unless you manage to get a large net and catch this recession you won’t be able to have your own until you follow these steps.
Contrary to popular belief, it is very easy to do. Politicians do it all the time. So why can't you? We will now show you how.
This project could cost you about $100,000, maybe more. It depends on how badly you want the recession and also how widespread you want it to be.
Step 1: How does an economic recession occur? With taxes of course. And how are we to change the taxes? We get elected into government. That is the first step. Wait until the next election, this should be no more than 4 years. If you want to speed things up a little bit then follow the simple steps below. a) Obtain a hand gun. b) Go to the next speech your President or High-Ranking Government official makes and shoot him. Target practice is recommended. Remember to aim just below the microphone. c) Keep doing step b until there are no more members in the line of succession d) Now that the elected party is extinct, they will HAVE to call an election.
Step 2: Now you must begin a political party. Obtain some close friends as well as any people that could be of help (the crazy woman with the cats, the mafia, a few war veterans) If you got a handgun in Step 1, we suggest you make good use of it now. If you don't have one yet, we suggest you obtain one at this point.
Step 3: It is time to campaign. Use every opportunity to tell people all the wonderful things that you are going to do if you get elected. Whatever it takes to get people to vote for you. In truth, the $100,000 needed is not so much for the campaign as it is for all the people you will have to bribe. Be sure to target your bribing at large families if possible. The handgun works like a charm in this part.
Step 4: Knowledge of computers is very important in this step. If you are loosing in the election, a modem (or wireless/high speed internet connection) is very necessary. You must tap into the Electoral College main computer, in the “Government Building”, and change the figures. If you have no clue on how to do this, we suggest you contact your local hacker group. The widely known "Hackers Anonymous" will give courses on tapping into large computers, however, any hacker will do it for you at only a fraction of the cost. If you are unable to find any willing hackers, contact your local boy scout troop, tell them “Its for the good of the country” and they’ll mount a Mission Impossible type break in to change the figures manually. Ten-year-olds in uniforms make very good spies. No one suspects the Boy Scouts of America.
Step 5: Once you are elected, it's smooth sailing from here. Below are just a few suggested economy killers. a) Start with income taxes. Arrange it so that you are receiving three times (or more) as much money from a paycheck than the worker is. b) Next, cut all family allowances, old age pensions, welfare and other things that people rely on. c) And as a final blow, raise the PST or GST We suggest 30% tax as a nice round number.
Step 6: Be sure to raise you're salary, because now you can! If $250,000 per year isn't good enough for you, raise it to $500,000 or even $1,000,000. Remember, you have money coming in and nothing going out. Do what you like.
Step 7: The last step involves time. According to our studies, with what we've suggested, the recession should start approximately 4-7 minutes after the changes have come into effect. While you wait we suggest boiling a kettle to make yourself some tea, popping some popcorn or perhaps doing a bit of reading.
Congratulations, you have just ruined thousands if not millions of lives in just 7 easy steps! You have just made history with your giant economic recession. You should feel proud. Unfortunately, by this time you have probably upset a lot of people. We suggest immediately summoning forth your highly trained militia (starting a highly trained militia was implied in Step 2) and defending yourself against the oncoming riots. If you did not build the implied militia than you are a fool and you should immediately escape in the gyrocopter we implied you to build in Step 5. If you did not build a gyrocopter for your escape than a fast car will do.
Wuptdo
10-03-2004, 07:34 PM
I found this at http://www.iworkwithfools.com/
A funny read:
wtf writes...
"I work in an in-house print shop at a tech company. We have this woman who works in sales. I truly have no idea how this woman ever got or managed to keep her job. She hasn't sold an account since she's been here (something like 4 years).
One day she comes into work with a dead snake in a bag. She tells us her son found it and wanted to keep it. She told him it would go bad, but that she had a laminator at work and would laminate it for him so he could put it on his wall.
Now, I don't know if you kno what a laminator is, but it is designed for paper, posters, etc. Really thin objects anyway. The snake was recently dead. All its bones were still in the body - it was about an inch in diameter. You can see what's going to happen next...
Even though everyone in the office told her it was not going to work, she tried it anyway. After struggling for awhile the laminator finally crushed the snake's head enough to fit in the 1 mm gap between the rollers.
The snake's guts immediately squirted out the side of the body. The whole thing did eventually go through, but it wasn't laminated and left a red stain on the lamination roll for several feet.
Yes, that afternoon I spent basking in the smell of cooked snake meat. I guess she thought that since the laminator heats up to "only" 300 degrees that it couldn't possibly burn the snake.
And she was genuinly surprised it didn't work out as planned."
Wuptdo B-)
editor_andy
10-03-2004, 09:18 PM
Think You're Having a Bad Day?
---------
> A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
> kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into
> gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as
> it burst through the glass patio doors.
>
> His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
> bleeding, the motorcycle and the shattered patio door. She called for
> an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down
> the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to
her
> >husband.
>
> While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the
> motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
> gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
>
> After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
> shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
> into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to
> his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
>
> The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
> screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
> blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned
> for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
>
> As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
> asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
> started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband
> out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
>
> STILL HAVING A BAD DAY? JUST REMEMBER, IT COULD BE
WORSE...................
>
> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
> spil l in Alaska was
> $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
> animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from
> onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
>
> STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
>
> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
> frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from
> his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the
> deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
> his arm in two places. Up to that minute, he had been happily listening
> to his Walkman.
>
> STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
>
> Two animals rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
> pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, German. Suddenly, all two thousand
> pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. Th
e
> two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
>
> WHAT? STILL HAVING A BAD DAY??
>
> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
> bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
> was
> the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
>
> THERE NOW, FEELING BETTER?
> SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?
>
> Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
>
> house was very dark so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl,
>
> to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
>
> deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. The
>
> mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while Conner was born. The
>
> paramedic lifted him by his feet, smacked him on his bottom, and he
>
> began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked
>
> the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what sh e had just
>
> witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
>
> there in the first place. Spank him again."
> -----------------------------
> A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 hits Mexico. Two million
> Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined
> and
> the government doesn't know where to start with getting help to rebuild.
>
> The rest of the world goes into shock.
>
> Canada sends troops to help the Mexican army control riots.
>
> The European community (except France) sends food and money.
>
> Not to be outdone, the United States sends two million replacement
> Mexicans
INNER PEACE!
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we are really busy these days we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to acheive inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's,
Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how **** good I feel.... You must pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears words "I do.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded
to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed dep't store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We went on to the jewelry dep't where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how
to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's
fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when
I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled
"WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman,"
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
Wuptdo
10-20-2004, 11:47 AM
What do you call a Republican who likes to smoke dope? :D
A Libertarian! 8-O
I swear there are some very cleve people at "Little Green Footballs."
Wuptdo B-)
Anonymous
10-20-2004, 02:07 PM
This was passed on to me, but I can't understand it. Maybe you can,
I'm trying to get all this political stuff straightened out in my head
so I'll know how to vote come November. Right now, we have one guy saying
one thing. Then the other guy says something else. Who to believe. Lemme
see; have I got this straight?
Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...
Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists-
good...
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...
Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good...
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad...
Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit - bad...
No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
No WMD found Iraq - bad...
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
Economy on upswing under Bush - bad...
Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad...
Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good...
Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad...
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good...
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...
Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
Saddam turned over for trial - bad...
Ahh, it's so confusing!
Every year an independent tax watchdog group analyzes the average tax
burden on Americans, and then calculates the "Tax Freedom Day." This is the day
after which the money you earn goes to you, not the government. This year,
tax freedom day was April 11th. That's the earliest it has been since 1991.
It's latest day ever was May 2nd, which occurred in 2000. Notice anything
special about those dates?
Recently, John Kerry gave a speech in which he claimed Americans are
actually paying more taxes under Bush, despite the tax cuts. He gave
no explanation and provided no data for this claim.
Another interesting fact: Both George Bush and John Kerry are wealthy men.
Bush owns only one home, his ranch in Texas. Kerry owns 4 mansions,
all worth several million dollars. (His ski resort home in Idaho is an old
barn brought over from Europe in pieces. Not your average A-frame).
Bush paid $250,000 in taxes this year; Kerry paid $90,000. Does that
sound right? The man who wants to raise your taxes obviously has figured
out a way to avoid paying his own.
Pass this on. Only 12 days until the election.
Guest writes
This was passed on to me, but I can't understand it. Maybe you can,
I'm trying to get all this political stuff straightened out in my head
so I'll know how to vote come November. Right now, we have one guy saying
one thing. Then the other guy says something else. Who to believe. Lemme
see; have I got this straight?
Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...
Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists-
good...
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...
Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good...
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad...
Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit - bad...
No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
No WMD found Iraq - bad...
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
Economy on upswing under Bush - bad...
Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad...
Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good...
Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad...
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good...
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...
Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
Saddam turned over for trial - bad...
Ahh, it's so confusing!
Yes must be confusing due to the fact that Clinton is not running. Hope this tiny fact sets you straight in your pre-determained "right" choice on Nov 2! (Donh I feel that right side lean again!)
And just so we don't get off the Humor topic of this area,
THINGS ARE OFTEN NOT WHAT THEY SEEM!
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the
plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained
that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the
aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman
was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown
this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by
name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like
to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a
Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember... things rarely are as they appear.
Anonymous
10-20-2004, 03:11 PM
I've been called a lot of things, but never "Guset"
actually, it means that "guest" should log on and "GUSET" ....Give Up Secret Eccentric Trickery.
...and for the record, I never make mistakes...I thought I did one time, but I was mistaken!
A young couple was having bad fight after their recent marriage.
It was the worst disagreement they had to date.
They fought all day and right up until it was time to go to bed.
As they both went into the bedroom the husband had a plan.
As he took off his blue jeans, he said to his wife, “take these and put them on!”
She just looked at him with a frown
“Put ‘um on!” he screamed as he pointed at his blue jeans
Reluctantly, his wife did as he requested
As she got them on she looked over at him and said “These are way too big for me!”
“That’s right” exclaimed her husband “Don’t you ever forget who wears the pants in this family!”
As she took them off she sat down on the bed and removed her panties.
“Here, put these on” she said throwing her panties at him
“What?” her husband asked with a puzzled tone in his voice
“Put on my panties” snapped he wife “ I put on your jeans, now you put on my panties”
He took them and started to put them on. He could only get them up to his knees
“Hell, I can’t even get into these” he said with disgust
“That right” she said “and if you keep treating me this way you never will!”
Brent
10-21-2004, 06:10 PM
actually, it means that "guest" should log on and "GUSET" ....Give Up Secret Eccentric Trickery.
Hear, hear!
Wuptdo
10-29-2004, 01:54 AM
Kerry & the Church:
John Kerry was scheduled to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside
Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit
to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad
publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the
like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during
your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The
Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Kerry pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the Mass
progresses the Cardinal begins his homily.
"John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a
liar, a cheat, and a low intelligence weasel. He wrote a book and
portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow
servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put
himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the
American people. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever
personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
Enjoy!
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
12-12-2004, 01:31 PM
Sharing the "real" dream of Wal-Mart executives & stockholders:
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4049
(My Son just showed me the "Onion" - what a hoot!)
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
02-05-2005, 01:09 AM
Copied from another blog:
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E! .J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think
they'd get this
@%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Enjoy!
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
02-24-2005, 02:36 PM
Here is a fun read:
http://www.suntimes.com/output/berman/cst-ftr-berman21.html
Better buy that Hersey's stock now! :-D
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
03-09-2005, 11:36 PM
Here is a good one, enjoy:
Jake up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He took the aspirin and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling!
Love,
Jillian”
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!’"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .PRICELESS!!
Wuptdo B-)
Old songs-new titles
It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the '60s
are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits, " Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
2. The Bee Gees, "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
3. Bobby Darin, "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
4. Ringo Starr, "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"
5. Roberta Flack, "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
6. Johnny Nash, "I Can't See Clearly Now"
7. Paul Simon, "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
8. Commodores, "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
9. Marvin Gaye, "Heard it Through the Grape Nuts"
10. Procol Harem, "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
11. Leo Sayer, "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
12. The Temptations, "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
13. Abba, "Denture Queen"
14. Tony Orlando, "Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall"
15. Helen Reddy, "I am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
16. Willie Nelson, "On the Throne Again"
17. Leslie Gore, "It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To"
johnb
03-12-2005, 01:44 PM
You are a geezer aren't you Ron? :wink:
It's like what I told the old man that sits next to me at work when he said he was turning 42, "Holy crap, I know rocks that aren't that old!"
You can guess the response. :wink:
I do have a question about your generation though. If I go to the Dennys with you or someone your age, do I get the Seniors discount as well? _ducking_
Actually John, I am more of a child of the 70"s...but so are some of the songs previously referred to.
As to the senior discount, well I frequently associate myself with someone who is really eligible and this person refuses to ask. Due to the nature of the threat to life if I divulge who that would be, let’s just leave it at “ask and yea may receive!”
Rono
johnb
03-12-2005, 02:43 PM
My agism is an attempt to deny reality Ron.
A few months ago I celebrated the 19th anniversary of my 20th birthday.
I may have to become more like Ernie and Brent here soon. Get me a hot car and a hair transplant! :twisted:
John
Yea...I went through that a few years ago...Mustang convertable and all...but then the grand kids started coming and car seats and 2 doors don't really match!
Rono
johnb
03-12-2005, 03:47 PM
Ron,
My daughter is in college and my two boys are clueless. DO NOT mention the "G-C" words near me please. ;)
I still have a few hairs left.
washere
03-12-2005, 03:59 PM
Man you guys are old! :-D
Wuptdo
03-12-2005, 04:16 PM
This story will warm your heart & soul:
From the N&O, 11 March 2005:
Durham prowler nipped in the buds
Viola Knight thought it was wind.
By SAMIHA KHANNA, Staff Writer
DURHAM -- It would take a skilled burglar to breach the five layers of security at Viola Knight's little white home on Dacian Avenue. The prowler who took the challenge early Friday didn't make it past the first round.
At 4 a.m. Friday, Knight, 85, was cozy in her bed when she awoke to rustling outside her bedroom window. At first, she thought it was the wind. Strangely, her half-dozen wind chimes were silent.
"I thought, 'Either it's a four-foot something in this yard ramblin', or it's on two feet," Knight said later Friday.
That something was caught in her camellia bushes, the same ones she had laced with razor wire six months before to discourage a neighborhood peeper. The trap worked.
"He was really working," Knight said. "He was moaning and groaning and grunting out there."
Knight peeked out the window and called 911. Moments later, a police officer shined a flashlight into the bushes. Police had to pluck a man from the rusty, dagger-edged wires.
"He was throwing his arms and legs all around. He was hollering, 'Just shoot me,' " Knight said. "They told him to be quiet."
A relative helped Knight put the wires in place after a different man kept peeping in Knight's bedroom window. The man always slipped away before police arrived, she said. The wires gave police a firmer grip.
Police charged Antero Jimenez, 54, with trespassing and attempted first-degree burglary. Jimenez, who told police he was homeless, was being held late Friday at the Durham County jail. His bail was set at $50,000.
Made my day!
Wuptdo B-)
johnb
03-12-2005, 05:11 PM
Grossed me out.
Peeping toms are disturbed anyway, but, who the hell would "peep" on an 85 year old woman! That's something....I don't know what but it ain't good.
Char worte
Man you guys are old!
Age my dear, like a fine wine and is something to be cherished! And for those of you who care to know, I was born the day Eisenhower was elected to his second term in office. **** doctor probably slapped my *** too hard when he heard Stevenson lost for a second time!
washere
03-13-2005, 09:34 AM
Age my dear, like a fine wine and is something to be cherished!
Well if that's what you have to tell yourself to feel better.... :lol:
Just kidding of course! I hope the years are as kind to me as they have been to all of you. :wink:
Brent
03-14-2005, 07:40 AM
I may have to become more like Ernie and Brent here soon. Get me a hot car and a hair transplant! :twisted:
Hey, hey, still have a full head of original hair!
johnb
03-14-2005, 05:42 PM
Come on buddy, DaNile ain't just a river in Egypt.... :twisted:
Anonymous
03-14-2005, 06:02 PM
Hey, hey, still have a full head of original hair!
Where? Face? Nose? Ear? Ha, ha, ha!
Brent
03-15-2005, 07:38 AM
Oh, come now, if I got a hairpiece, do you think I would pay money to have my hair look the way it does? :lol:
editor_andy
03-17-2005, 09:12 PM
Probably been used here before, but its always entertaining when I see it:
Click here (http://www.bettybowers.com/fbi.html)
Wuptdo
12-14-2005, 01:56 PM
Who ever said the N&O was humorless:
An old game -- Blame the Media (http://blogs.newsobserver.com/editor/index.php?title=an_old_game_blame_the_media_2&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1)
I'm still laughing over this one........... :lol: :lol:
Wuptdo :lol:
Wuptdo
12-21-2005, 11:39 AM
So the Mrs. and I where buying some gifts over at Borders yesterday. In the bargin section, I found this book:
The Worst places to live in America (sorry, no web link)
Guess what City in North Carolina was listed (and only one city).
Durham, NC
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
05-09-2006, 11:48 PM
Found this over at Jib-jab:
No Sex Tonight
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have nevered figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
There is alot more where that came from (wiping beer off the screen):
http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox.aspx?Id=51177&JokeId=32763
Wuptdo :-D
Dharma
05-10-2006, 08:48 AM
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
Well, at least he understands that part. B-)
Dharma
05-10-2006, 08:54 PM
Hey Bobo,
I saw this and thought of you!!!
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter
scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and
over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't
know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending
food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million replacement Mexicans.
Found this over at Jib-jab:
No Sex Tonight
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have nevered figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
There is alot more where that came from (wiping beer off the screen):
http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox.aspx?Id=51177&JokeId=32763
Wuptdo :-D
HA HA HA HA ha Man, your killin me...
Dharma
05-17-2006, 10:15 AM
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him Without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
Anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
And a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now The world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Dharma
05-26-2006, 11:02 AM
Why it's important to learn English if you live in the US.
:-D :-D
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/image001.jpg
Cathy
05-28-2006, 01:21 PM
I love your sense of humor, Dharma!
Gracie
06-05-2006, 06:34 PM
8-O
DarylB
06-13-2006, 11:07 PM
http://www.ncrepublicans.com/BushBorder%28JU%29.wm :walk:
Wuptdo
07-23-2006, 05:55 PM
Everytime we go out to visit the "in-laws" in Colorado, I find myself wondering "Where are the Black people?" This is especially true when skiing in Boulder, Aspen, Breckenridge, and Vale.
http://www.videosift.com/story.php?id=4668
(Click on the video)
Wuptdo B-)
DarylB
07-27-2006, 05:09 PM
http://home.mindspring.com/~bakerdl/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/fudge.jpg
Dharma
08-25-2006, 11:22 AM
How the unions work.
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Wuptdo
10-04-2006, 08:49 PM
http://hotair.com/archives/2006/10/04/video-the-worst-baserunning-in-baseball-history/
Click on the Screen to enjoy the show.
Wuptdo B-)
Wuptdo
03-29-2007, 10:37 AM
Ok, this is really strange, and maybe in Holly Springs, sure, but Apex??????
Sheep Owner Charged With 30 Counts Of Cruelty To Animals
APEX, N.C. (AP) - An Apex man who kept 77 sheep in his downtown
home is charged with 30 counts of misdemeanor animal cruelty.
David Watts made his first court appearance yesterday. Wake District
Court Judge Jane Gray reduced Watts' bond from 30-thousand dollars
to 12-thousand dollars.
Watts surrendered the flock to animal control officers Monday
after police found some sheep grazing in the town cemetery. Watts
kept some of the younger sheep on the ground floor of his house and
kept the others in pens in the yard.
Watts says he was overwhelmed by the number of lambs born this year. He
says he ended up with extra animals that needed more care.
Thirty ailing sheep were euthanized. A veterinarian who examined
the animals says rehabilitation would have caused the sheep too
much pain.
A veterinarian is expected to examine another 60 sheep owned by
Watts in Chatham County.
A.P.
Copyright: AP
Thur Mar 29, 6:57:23 AM EST
http://www.chesterfarms.com/images/Events-Sheep.jpg
77 Sheep in his home. Didn't the neighbors notice?
Wuptdo B-)
Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel
this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a
diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
*** is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take
during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants
of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so
your tongue is suffocating you as passed out in your bed this morning. Any
attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ***.
Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
Dharma
04-18-2007, 11:11 AM
This fits the tempo of the day and is probably true in a lot of places.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
editor_andy
09-11-2007, 05:22 PM
A friend from the Marines came back for the day on Monday (We call him 'Token' and if you have ever seen South Park, than you'll know where that comes from) and told us a story about something that happened to him while he was stationed over in California.
He and a buddy were walking around a city (Los Angeles, I think it was) in their uniform and this hippie-guy walks up to them. He calls them "Government slaves" than spits on Token's friend. Before they have a chance to defend themselves, this huge black guy (bigger than Token and his friend combined) comes out of nowhere and punches the hippie-guy in the face. The hippie-guy goes down and the black guy shakes the marines hands, thanking them for what they're doing for the country. And that was the end of that encounter.
francejamie
09-11-2007, 05:32 PM
A friend from the Marines came back for the day on Monday (We call him 'Token' and if you have ever seen South Park, than you'll know where that comes from) and told us a story about something that happened to him while he was stationed over in California.
He and a buddy were walking around a city (Los Angeles, I think it was) in their uniform and this hippie-guy walks up to them. He calls them "Government slaves" than spits on Token's friend. Before they have a chance to defend themselves, this huge black guy (bigger than Token and his friend combined) comes out of nowhere and punches the hippie-guy in the face. The hippie-guy goes down and the black guy shakes the marines hands, thanking them for what they're doing for the country. And that was the end of that encounter.
The hippie should have been arrested for assault, however, after the huge guy attacked him, they both need to be arrested for assault. There is NO cause for attacking another person except in self defense, or in defending those who can't defend themselves.
d4vendel
09-11-2007, 08:58 PM
Jamie and I agree on something. The black gentleman in this story should not have puched the hippie.
Under the legal docterine of coming to the self defense of others, his puching the hippie was an unreasonable response. What he should have done was met like force with like force and just hocked a big loogie in the hippie's face before shaking the Marines' hands.
Semper Fi.
francejamie
09-11-2007, 10:45 PM
Jamie and I agree on something. The black gentleman in this story should not have puched the hippie.
Under the legal docterine of coming to the self defense of others, his puching the hippie was an unreasonable response. What he should have done was met like force with like force and just hocked a big loogie in the hippie's face before shaking the Marines' hands.
Semper Fi.
I'll agree to that, not on legal grounds, but on moral grounds. It sounds just.
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