news of the weird [Archive]

Rono

01-20-2005, 09:38 AM

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

Rudolph Jessie Hicks Jr., 30, was arrested in Brooksville, Fla., for trespassing, but not before he had gotten up from a police dog takedown, five Taser shots, and an entire can of pepper spray. And police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., were considering whether to charge Robin Bush, a woman who strangled a 130-pound Rottweiler after it would not let go of her tiny Yorkie. And a 20-year-old man suffered only minor injuries after driving his car through a fifth-floor wall of a parking garage and landing inside the second floor of a store at the Shoppes of Sunset Place in South Miami.

2 WEIRD 2B TRUE

Police in Denton, Texas, arrested two teenagers in October and charged them with robbing two visitors who were passing through town from Montana. The victims said they were on their way to Baton Rouge, La., because they needed money and had read on the Internet that a medical school would pay $100,000 for testicles.

2 TRUE 2B WEIRD

The Dutch retirement home Seniorenpand, in Rotterdam, bills itself as the world's only old-age community for incorrigible heroin addicts and has a long waiting list for its few rooms, according to a December dispatch in the Scotsman. (One satisfied resident bragged that he had some "pretty good stuff" the night before.)

IRONIES

A 59-year-old veteran NASCAR driver from Scottsdale, Ariz., was killed in November when he fell off of a Segway scooter (going 5 mph) at a Las Vegas go-cart race and hit his head. And in China's Guangxi Zhuang region in September, five people asphyxiated while conducting a ceremony in a dangerous lead mine (frequently shut down by the government), including a prominent feng shui expert there to advise on improving harmonic energy flow.

PIGGY TV

Britain's Office of Communications, which rules on viewers' complaints about TV programs, decided in November that the on-air, manual collecting of hog semen on the "reality" show "The Farm" did not violate standards in that, in the office's opinion, the pig did not feel "degrad(ed)" by the experience.

CUPS RUNNETH OVER

In October, as part of the government's vigorous "social order" anti-drug campaign, dozens of police officers in Bangkok, Thailand, raided the trendy Q Bar late on a Saturday night and locked it down, detained the nearly 400 customers, and passed out plastic cups so that each one could submit to an on-the-spot urinalysis. Said the bar's manager, "(The raid is) pretty much an annual event. It's a little bit like Christmas."

HORSE SENSE OF OUTRAGE

In November, Jens Orback, Sweden's minister for integration and gender equality, who had been under fire for not being aggressive on the job, denied on the radio program "Ekot" that he was intolerant of sexual minorities. Said Orback: "I had a wonderful aunt who lived in Canada with a horse. I thought it was wonderful. Let people live as they wish." Later, attempting to explain himself, Orback insisted that the aunt's relationship with the horse was platonic.

SUPER-TOLERANT PEOPLE

A St. Paul Pioneer Press reporter, interviewing neighbors of the people who shared a St. Croix Falls, Wis., home that was condemned after being overrun with 450 cats, found that most neighbors had failed to notice the house's putrid smell. Several said that the awful odor from the neighborhood's fish hatchery and the awful odor of the neighborhood's sewage treatment plant probably overrode the awful odor of the house.

• Brigham Young University's Newsnet reported in November on Marilyn and Elton Pierce of Provo, Utah, who, because their telephone number is easily confused with a BYU information line, estimate they have received 25,000 wrong-number calls in 14 years (averaging to five per day). Marilyn, in her 70s, said she didn't have the couple's number changed because she doesn't mind the calls and in fact rather enjoys talking to people.

CHADWICK, MEET SADDAM

In 2002, News of the Weird reported that H. Beatty Chadwick had served 6 years in jail in suburban Philadelphia for civil contempt of court for not producing $2.5 million in marital assets that he was supposed to split with his ex-wife, with the U.S. jail record for contempt believed to be 10 years. As of October 2004, he is still in jail, closing in on the record, and the amount owed is up to $4.2 million, with Chadwick sticking to his defense that the money had long since been spent. Said Chadwick's lawyer, "This (nonexistent) money is like the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We are the Saddam Hussein of the marital world."

CHRISTIAN SPANKER

Paul Eugene Levengood, owner of the Tasty Flavors Sno Biz dessert shop in the Chattanooga, Tenn., suburb of Red Bank, was charged with two counts of sexual battery in November when two 19-year-old female employees said he had occasionally spanked them for workplace errors (for example, once for forgetting to put a banana into a smoothie drink). A defensive Levengood pointed out that the women had each signed a form, "I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit." Police found at the store many photographs of women's posteriors, even though a Sno Biz executive called Levengood a "very Christian person."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rono

05-26-2005, 03:23 PM

Posted on Wed, May. 25, 2005

Hold the phone: Woman calls 911 with pizza complaint

Associated Press

CHARLOTTE, N.C. - An 86-year-old woman was jailed after police said she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in a little more than a half-hour - all to complain that a pizza parlor wouldn't deliver.

Dorothy Densmore was charged with misusing the 911 system, a jail spokeswoman said.

She told dispatchers Sunday that a local pizza shop refused to deliver a pie to her south Charlotte apartment, said Officer Mandy Giannini. She also complained that someone at the shop called her a "crazy old coot," Giannini said.

Densmore wanted them arrested. Instead, police came to arrest her, and she resisted, Giannini said.

It's unusual for someone to face charges for nonemergency calls, Giannini said. But on Sunday, Densmore kept calling 911, even after she was told to stop, Giannini said.

When an officer arrived at her apartment, the 5-foot-tall, 98-pound woman attacked him, Giannini said. Densmore scratched him, kicked and bit his hand, she said.

Densmore also is charged with resisting a public officer and two counts of misusing the 911 system, jail records show.

Laurie

05-26-2005, 05:12 PM

Ex-Officer Goes To Jail For Flashing Toy Banana

POSTED: 12:40 pm EDT May 26, 2005

STAMFORD, Conn. -- A former police officer is going to jail for flashing a toy banana.

Arthur Bertana has been sentenced to 20 days in jail for lewd conduct involving the toy. Police in Stamford busted Bertana in March.

Authorities charged that the former Stamford officer put the banana in his pants and flashed women on a main shopping street.

One officer said the banana in question was a yellow, plush child's toy, with a smiley face on it.

Laurie

06-07-2005, 03:21 PM

http://www.wral.com/news/4577586/detail.html

Hazmat Crews Head To Cary School For Sick Squirrel

POSTED: 7:24 am EDT June 7, 2005

CARY, N.C. -- Cary authorities have a mystery on their hands.

A teacher at Chesterbrook Academy noticed a squirrel eating a white powdery substance. Soon after, the squirrel got sick.

Animal control officers took care of the squirrel and found more piles of the white powdery substance around the building.

Hazmat crews took samples and discovered it was flour.

No one knows how the flour got there or who put it there.

johnb

06-07-2005, 03:59 PM

Anyone stop to think that maybe flour + saliva made glue ?

Laurie

08-05-2005, 04:32 PM

http://www.wral.com/news/4815844/detail.html

Police: Man's Testicles Locked In Padlock
Man Could Not Remove Lock For Two Weeks

POSTED: 4:02 pm EDT August 5, 2005
UPDATED: 4:15 pm EDT August 5, 2005

BRENTWOOD, N.H. -- Emergency workers helped a New Hampshire man out of a difficult situation over the weekend after a friend apparently locked a padlock around his testicles.

According to the Portsmouth Herald, police reported that the 39-year-old man was intoxicated when they arrived at the scene on July 30 at about 3:40 a.m. The man, who was not identified, told them that he had the padlock around his testicles for two weeks.

The man said that a friend put the lock on while he was drunk and passed out. When he woke up, the friend was gone.

"Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this," Cpl. H.D. Wood told the Herald.

The man told police that he tried to remove the lock with a hacksaw because the key had broken off in the lock.

He was taken to Exeter Hospital, where a locksmith removed the padlock. He was treated and released, and the hospital said he had no lasting injury.

Police said that they did not know the motive for the incident. Stupidity?

Brent

08-06-2005, 03:31 PM

Gives new meaning to "lock 'em up". 8O

Laurie

08-06-2005, 03:36 PM

Two weeks? Yikes!
Hacksaw? Double Yikes!

Anonymous

08-09-2005, 01:45 AM

Hmmm, I've heard of ba$$s in a vice before, but never in a lock! :-D

Wuptdo

08-14-2005, 12:58 PM

I noticed that we have a new member at CP - NewHillBilly. This avatar is missing from the Simpson's section.

Cletus, slacked jawed local (http://barberjay.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/hilbilly.jpg)

Another bright idea!. IBM or whoever owns "BlueTooth," buys Cletus (trademank) from Fox. Color his teeth blue, and well-ah, the official face of "BlueTooth."

Wuptdo B-)

Wuptdo

08-26-2005, 10:53 AM

Interesting.......

Girl Rejects Marriage Proposal Over Porn
Arab News

AHSA, 23 August 2005 — A young girl found a unique way to turn down a marriage proposal, Okaz daily reported. The young woman put the groom to the test in front of his father and her father. The girl said that she would accept the marriage on the condition that his mobile phone was free of indecent photos. The groom was hesitant but in the end handed over his phone. She found enough indecent photos and video clips to easily reject the potential groom. The man tried to justify his position by saying they were not his photos, but she refused to listen to his excuses and turned his offer down.

Perhaps, if he was married to her, he wouldn't need the porn. :roll: :roll:

Wuptdo B-)

Wuptdo

08-30-2005, 01:29 PM

I thought there was a "federal" law that all states had to acknowledge each other "marriage" as legal? Anyway, I still find this very distrubing:

Man Accused of Sex Assault Becomes Father (http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050828/ap_on_re_us/husband_sex_assault_1)

I wonder if the ACLU will step in and protect their rights! :roll:

Wuptdo B-)

Wuptdo

09-15-2005, 01:44 PM

From the Jawa Report:

September 13, 2005
57% of College Girls Want Sex with Angelina Jolie

A new survey by Playboy indicates that while only 54% of college coeds would cheat on their boyfriends with Brad Pitt, 57% would hook up with Angelina Jolie. Who can blame them?

Flash News:

Here’s some kinky news for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: A lot of female college students want to sleep with them. Both of them.

According to Playboy magazine, 54 percent of college gals would cheat on their boyfriend with Pitt and 57 percent want to get jiggy with Jolie.

In other Angelina Jolie related polls (hey, pollsters have to do something in off-election years too!), 27 percent of 18-59 year old women say that they would 'most like to resemble Anglina Jolie in the bedroom'.

In an unscientific poll conducted by The Jawa Report, 100% of husbands say they wish their wives would resemble Angelina Jolie in the bedroom, too. The margin of error in our poll is plus or minus zero percent.

madonna_brittney_kissing_star_wars.jpgLest we forget, Jolie has admitted that she is 'an expert in lesbian sex' with a lot of experience.

The same poll indicates that it girl and all around media maven Paris Hilton doesn't have what it takes to attract hot lesbian action. Only 12% of college girls would spend one night, er, with Paris. However, mom-to-be Brittney Spears has enough sexiness to tempt 26% of sorority girls into a night of wreckless experimentation.

100% of kabballah-following ex-pat aging female pop stars affirmed that they would sleep with Brittney Spears on film if that would mean resurrecting their fading sex-icon status and help sell a few more poorly written children's books.

Part of an ongoing series of posts designed to fight dhimmitude and support the gays. The good kind. Hat tip to the lovely Sondra K who seems to be thinking of taking her relationship 'to the next level'. (OTB)
Posted by Dr. Rusty Shackleford at September 13, 2005 04:01 PM | TrackBack

my 2 cents. Brad definately upgraded. :wink:

Wuptdo 8O

Wuptdo

10-15-2005, 02:19 AM

Look -

Special Kitty (http://www.local6.com/news/5097535/detail.html)

Wuptdo B-)

Dharma

02-21-2007, 12:35 PM

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/200207billboard.jpg
These rather fetchingly huge fearmongering billboards have been going up across America recently to advertise the Red Cross.

Note that they interestingly place the date of a future "attack" as November 9th 2009, that is 11/9/09.

Also note that the small print states the attack is to be a bio-chemical attack.

Are you scared yet? :twisted:

DarylB

02-21-2007, 12:57 PM

Dharma

02-21-2007, 01:20 PM

Maybe it's a conspiracy?

Could be.
Let's examine what you're trying to do here though, Darry. You keep wanting to call me a "conspiracy theorist" to try discredit me. I prefer the term "conspiracy realist" but bear with me anyway.
The term "conspiracy theorist" is overloaded with spin. Let's talk about the hot topic conspiracy theory these days...9/11 (or 11/9/9). The official story talks of at least 20 people -- Osama bin Laden and 19 hijackers. Anyone who believes that those 20 people conspired to pull off this enormous crime is also, by definition, a "conspiracy theorist". And anyone who believes they did it without conspiring -- that they just happened to work together without any prior planning or communication -- is flat-out crazy.

To be blunt about it, anyone who thinks the attacks of 9/11 could have been done without a conspiracy is crazier than anything said about Anna Nicole Smith right now. So, maybe it is a "conspiracy". :-D

Wuptdo

02-21-2007, 01:28 PM

Darylb wrote:

Maybe it's a conspiracy?

Oh no, Mr. Bill! 8O 8O No another "Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy!!!"

I would rather much see these signs going up all other the country:

http://www.minutemanproject.com/img/billboard/no-amnesty.jpg

For more info on saving America, please see: Project Minuteman (http://www.minutemanproject.com/default.asp?contentID=76)

Thank you for your support, and keeping your neighbor employed.

Wuptdo B-)

DarylB

02-21-2007, 02:36 PM

Dharma

02-21-2007, 03:36 PM

No little "Bus Driver", it was YOU who was set up. :grin:

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/basketball_open.jpg

Wuptdo

02-21-2007, 03:43 PM

It the humor thread.......so, please,.......

:love6: :love6: or :occasion5: :occasion5:

(Yes, I know, me bad, too; wasn't paying attention)

Hey Dharma, is the one above, one of your off-spring? If so, I have two males about the same age.

Wuptdo :D

DarylB

02-21-2007, 04:01 PM

Wup's right it's the HUMOR page, and so in that spirit....

http://home.mindspring.com/~bakerdl/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/fetch-the-bone-fido.jpg.w300h306.jpg

Dharma

02-21-2007, 04:09 PM

Is that your dog, Darry?
It must be your toy, too. :-D

DarylB

02-21-2007, 04:12 PM

Is that your dog, Darry?
It must be your toy, too. :-D

No Dharma, you're my toy... and the retriever is yours!

Dharma

02-21-2007, 04:22 PM

DarylB

02-21-2007, 04:35 PM

Is that your dog, Darry?
It must be your toy, too. :-D

No Dharma, you're my toy... and the retriever is yours!

Really? :x

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/doll.jpg
Keep your butt ugly, doldo chewing retriever. Something tells me you'll need him. :-D

So much hostility! Does this mean we're breaking up? Well, I'll keep the dog if you wish, but you'll need to keep your own tool, he went to a lot of trouble to return it to you, batteries and all....

As a peace offering, here's an contest you may be interested in entering, you seem pretty qualified....
http://home.mindspring.com/~bakerdl/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/vibratorraces.jpg.w300h227.jpg

Dharma

02-21-2007, 04:50 PM

So much hostility! Does this mean we're breaking up? Well, I'll keep the dog if you wish, but you'll need to keep your own tool, he went to a lot of trouble to return it to you, batteries and all...

No thanks. That thing doesn't have enough power for me. My toys come turbo charged. :laughing8:

As a peace offering, here's an contest you may be interested in entering, you seem pretty qualified....
http://home.mindspring.com/~bakerdl/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/vibratorraces.jpg.w300h227.jpg
I won that race last year. I'm on to bigger and better things - if you know what I mean. B-)

DarylB

02-21-2007, 04:55 PM

So much hostility! Does this mean we're breaking up? Well, I'll keep the dog if you wish, but you'll need to keep your own tool, he went to a lot of trouble to return it to you, batteries and all...

No thanks. That thing doesn't have enough power for me. My toys come turbo charged.

As a peace offering, here's an contest you may be interested in entering, you seem pretty qualified....
http://home.mindspring.com/~bakerdl/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/vibratorraces.jpg.w300h227.jpg
I won that race last year. I'm on to bigger and better things - if you know what I mean. B-)

I think we all get the picture...
http://www.arabhorse.net/listers/kharisma/king.jpg

Dharma

02-21-2007, 05:43 PM

I think we all get the picture...
http://www.arabhorse.net/listers/kharisma/king.jpg

WRONG!

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/04max4300.jpg

Wuptdo

03-26-2007, 01:26 PM

Can these two forces be united?

http://www.uspsjedimaster.com/teaser/form.html

Wuptdo B-)

Wuptdo

03-29-2007, 09:11 AM

A little something from the good people over at Jib-Jab:

What we call the News (http://www.jibjab.com/what_we_call_the_news)

Wuptdo B-)

Dharma

04-04-2007, 09:02 AM

This qualifies as News of the Weird.

Rolling Stone 'snorted father's ashes'By staff and agencies

Rolling Stones wildman Keith Richards claims he snorted his own father's ashes during a drugs binge.

Richards made the extraordinary admission in an interview with NME magazine.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," he said.

"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared, he didn't give a s***.

"It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

Richards' father, Bert, died in 2002 aged 84.

The 63-year-old rocker also recounted his worst drugs experience.

"It was when someone put strychnine in my dope. It was in Switzerland. I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake. I could listen to everyone, and they were like, 'He's dead, he's dead!', waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, 'I'm not dead!'," .

But he said: "I've no pretensions about immortality - I'm the same as everyone else - same as you, same as everybody.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i175/onedharma/keith.gif
I was number one on the Who's Likely To Die list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list.

"Some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to their funeral. The obit columns are of quite an interest to me these days. I don't trust doctors. It's not to say there ain't some good ones, but on a general level, no, I wouldn't trust 'em at all."

Richards predicted that Pete Doherty could be the next drugs casualty - and told him to leave supermodel Kate Moss alone.

"My advice for Pete Doherty is that he should shut up and leave her," he said. "I don't know the man, all I know is he's pushing his luck and there it is, but so is Kate, who I know very well.

"Kate wants to play with bad boys, and she's done one, and then another one, and then another one. Badabing, badabang, badaboom. She'll live, the boys will die."

And he warned rock stars not to emulate his fabled drug-taking.

"I did it because that was the way I did it. Now people think it's a way of life," he said.

The Rolling Stones will kick off the European leg of their A Bigger Bang tour in June.

Last year their touring was interrupted when Richards reportedly fell out of a palm tree while on holiday in Fiji.

But Richards said: "I wasn't climbing a tree. I was sitting on a shrub. I was sitting on that shrub again today, but I happened to fall off it the wrong way that day."

He underwent brain surgery after the accident and revealed: "I've been trepanned. That's quite an interesting experience, especially for my brain surgeon, who saw my thoughts flying around in my brain. I've got pictures of it, mate. They cut my head, brain, skull open, went in and pulled out the crap, and put some of it back again.

The full interview is in the new issue of NME, out tomorrow.

Wuptdo

05-15-2007, 10:17 AM

Enjoy (warning Animal Violence):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ez5QPW-ku4&mode=related&search=

A good metaphor for CTC V. Citizens.

Wuptdo B-)

francejamie

05-15-2007, 02:44 PM

Enjoy (warning Animal Violence):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ez5QPW-ku4&mode=related&search=

A good metaphor for CTC V. Citizens.

Wuptdo B-)

That video was great!

Wuptdo

11-13-2007, 10:59 AM

DarylB

11-13-2007, 11:22 AM

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jol1stoHanScCbli9oDkzKFgjiBgD8SSDCQG0

La. Pol's 'Buckwheat' Remark Sparks Ire

17 hours ago

HOUMA, La. (AP) — A white state lawmaker in a runoff election called a black civil-rights veteran who had helped her campaign "Buckwheat," prompting the NAACP to urge voters to kick her out of office.

Rep. Carla Blanchard Dartez, a Democrat, acknowledged that she ended a Thursday night conversation with Hazel Boykin by saying, "Talk to you later, Buckwheat." Dartez had been thanking Boykin for driving voters to the polls.

Buckwheat, a black child character in the "Little Rascals" comedies of the 1930s and '40s, is viewed as a racial stereotype. (more above)

Ok, in the big book of racial "slurs" -- when did "Buckwheat" become one? Geez, the next thing you know, you won't be able to call your kids "porch monkeys" anymore. :roll: :roll:

Beat you, Matt!

Wuptdo B-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iNUfXltGnc

....And....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrW7OtZSRmM

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/82/pics/82obuckwheat2.jpg

Special Report

Ted Koppel.....Joe Piscopo
Buckwheat.....Eddie Murphy
Alfalfa.....Mary Gross

[ a broadcast of the "Donny & Marie" St. Patrick's Day Special" is interrupted by a breaking news story ]
[ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]

Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on "Saturday Night Live", and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting - let's take a look.

[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted's left ]

[ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]

Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?

Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant - cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ]

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We'll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let's take a look.

[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]

Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent's Hospital. Let's go there, live. [ monitor over Ted's left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent's Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat's friends are already there..

[ camera discovers fellow "Our Gang" alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]

Alfalfa: I can't believe it! I can't believe they shot him, it's just terrible..!

Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?

Alfalfa: No, I haven't!

Ted Koppell: Then, let's take a look.

[ video footage plays once again ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ the shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?

Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I'm hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don't know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we're going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?

Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven't.

Ted Koppel: Well, then, let's take a look.

[ cut to video footage yet again ]

Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] ..at 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself... buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He's now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let's take a look.
[ footage plays again ]

Buckwheat: I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see - there it is.. [ shots ring out ] ..it looks like the shots came from Buckwheat's left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we're not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.

[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.

Caryatid

11-20-2007, 10:25 AM

A pair of stories about two of my least-favorite states and their squirrel issues:

First off, New Jersey residents told it's safe to resume eating squirrels (http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071030/od_afp/usanimalsgastronomyoffbeat_071030183620). The next time a refugee from Newark makes a crack about Southerners, I'm going to have dig this one up. Squirrel in a blender--the Garden State treat!

Secondly, Florida residents are apparently incapable of distinguishing an orangutan from a squirrel (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071117/ap_on_fe_st/odd_mystery_animal). I'm not saying every Floridiot needs to be Steve Irwin, but does it really take a wildlife expert to tell the difference between this:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/0b/Orangutan.jpg/200px-Orangutan.jpg

and this?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f3/Squirrel_on_fence.jpg/200px-Squirrel_on_fence.jpg

Wuptdo

12-13-2007, 09:13 PM

The best of the internet -- 2008 -- are rolled into one short:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mZiAaxo27s

"Don't taze me, bro!"

Of course, after seeing the above, it made me think of one of my favorite movies:

http://www.killerclips.com/clip.php?id=97&qid=1047